[SIGHS]
- Moron. - Putz. Where are they biting?
Pop says that he spotted Catfish Hunter down at Indian Slough.
Catfish Hunter? Maybe this is the year we catch him.
JOHN: Where do you get that "we" crap?
You got a mouse in your pocket? That fish belongs to me.
I'll let you visit him when he's mounted on my wall.
Honey?
You forgot your Thermos.
Hi, Ariel.
Hi.
JOHN: Thanks. See you later. ARIEL: Okay.
That's my fish!
You son of a...
[ENGINE REVS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[QUACKING]
Oh, that's it. Come on, just one good bite.
Yes, and I got you. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes.
[GRUNTS]
- Oh, no. MAN 1 [ON RADIO]: Off the wall.
Oh, damn.
MAN 1: Here comes another man around third. He will be held up.
And Gustaldo with a double, and it's a 2 to 1 game.
- Hey. - Hey, dickhead!
Turn that radio down. You're scaring all the fish away.
MAN 1: Of course, he played in the Twin Cities...
...before going over to Boston. MAN 2: We'll have a look at it.
Turn the damn radio down, will you?
MAN 2: He just went out and got it-- JOHN: Unh.
[RADIO STOPS PLAYING]
Who put a bug up your ass?
I saw him.
Catfish Hunter?
Right after I dropped anchor, he stuck his head up over by that log over there.
He just looked at me, smiled, and swam down into the mud.
- He smiled? - Yeah.
MAX: Phew.
- Holy moly. How big is he this year? - He's the size of a goddamn Buick.
I would've had him caught if you hadn't shown up.
You couldn't catch crabs from a $10 hooker.
How is your sister, by the way?
[LAUGHS]
Ho-ho-ho.
Hee-ha.
I saw Sven down at the dam.
He's says there's a rumor...
...that Rick Ragetti's cousin's coming down from St. Paul to buy Chuck's Bait.
An Italian running Chuck's, huh?
Yeah, we'll have the first mob-run bait shop in Wabasha.
No, you...
- What the hell are you doing? - I was here first.
I gotjust as much right to be here as you do.
You got bad luck. I don't want you infecting my spot.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
[MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO]
Find your own damn fishing hole.
Holy moly. You got a fart in your brain or something?
And turn that down.
MAN [OVER RADIO]: Scoring five runs... - Where you going?
Not far.
[MOTOR REVVING]
MAN [ON RADIO]: And bringing the guest on deck.
What's the matter with that guy? Getting goofier every year.
You don't have the balls to take me on anymore.
Ariel's had you neutered!
Come on! Let's see what you're made of, you--
[GRUNTS]
JOHN: Let that be a lesson to you.
MAX: You putz.
[MOTOR REVVING]
All right, you chicken-livered schmeer.
[BOTH GRUNT]
Get out of here.
MELANIE: Isn't it beautiful? JACOB: Hmm?
Hmm.
The lava lamp?
[MELANIE CHUCKLES]
- The angel. - Mm.
Ariel says he watches over the house.
Yeah, well, don't get too used to him.
Our house will be ready soon, and then we're out of here.
How long have you been up?
[GRUNTS]
- For a while. - Yeah?
Mm-hm.
And what have you been doing?
- Watching you. - What?
[LAUGHS]
[MELANIE MOANS]
[MELANIE GIGGLES]
- I'm up! - Yes, you are.
Morning, honey.
Why don't you go downstairs? I'll be right out to make you breakfast.
She hates me.
[MELANIE CHUCKLES]
She doesn't hate you. She just doesn't like you very much.
JACOB: Mm-hm.
I thought I'd check out some reception halls for the wedding today.
JACOB: Oh.
Uh, I forgot to tell you. I talked to Pop.
- And he's already booked a place. - He did?
- Yeah. - That's great.
- Yeah. - Did he get the Radisson in La Crosse?
Oh, no.
- The Pepin dance hall? - That would've been great. But no.
The Majestic Ballroom?
Not even close.
What's left?
Slippery's Tavern.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
- You're serious. - I know it's not what we wanted.
No, it's always been my dream to have my reception...
...in a bar where you can throw peanut shells.
- First of all, it's a tavern. - it's a bar.
Okay.
I'll call him. He'll cancel. We'll find our own place.
- No, forget it. - Are you sure?
Yeah, it was my idea to let them help plan the wedding.
And I gotta tell you, it was a great idea.
It is nice to see them getting along for a change.
It's amazing how well they're getting along.
[MOTORS REVVING]
[REVVING STOPS]
Ah! Ha!
What are you--? Ha.
You didn't win, I quit.
I got better things to do than dick around with you all day.
- Really? What? - We got a wedding to plan, bonehead.
- Remember? - How can I forget?
[SIGHS]
- See you later, John. - See you later, Max.
JOHN: Hey, Pop. GUSTAFSON: Shush.
JOHN: Huh?
- He's here. - What, Catfish Hunter?
GUSTAFSON: He's by the sandbar.
You know the damn fish is older than I am?
Thanks.
[CHUCKLES]
[GUSTAFSON GRUNTS]
- What the--? What the hell is this? - What? That's light beer.
Gee, I weight 90 goddamn pounds, and you bring me this slopping foam?
Ha, ha, Ariel's got me on a diet...
...because the doc said my cholesterol's a little too high.
Well, let me tell you something now, Johnny.
Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old.
- Yeah. - And I never exercised a day in my life.
Huh.
Every morning, I wake up and I smoke a cigarette.
And then I eat five strips of bacon.
And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich.
- And for a midday snack-- - Bacon.
- Bacon. A whole damn plate. - Bacon.
And I usually drink my dinner.
Now, according to all of them flat-belly experts...
...I should've took a dirt nap, like, 30 years ago.
But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here...
...ha, and they keep dying, you know?
JOHN: Hmm.
Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me, ha, ha.
It just goes to show you, huh?
- What? - Huh?
Goes to show you what?
Well, it just-- What the hell are you talking about?
Well, you said you drink beer, you eat bacon, and you smoke cigarettes...
...and you outlive most of the experts.
- Yeah? - I thought maybe there's a moral.
No, there ain't no moral.
I just like that story.
That's all.
I like that story.
ARIEL: Good afternoon.
Oh, it's good to see you too.
Aren't you beautiful today?
Are you thirsty, huh?
Oh, there we go. Drink up.
Yeah. Drink up.
That's right.
Ooh, there we go. There we go. Drink up.
- Yeah. - Hi, Ariel.
Oh, hi. Isn't it a glorious afternoon?
It's not bad.
- You okay? Feeling all right? - Splendid. Why?
Well, I couldn't help noticing that you were talking to the flowers.
Oh, plants and flowers are living organisms and...
And they respond to voice and touch just like any other creature would.
You should try it yourself sometime.
I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
Oh.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I better get going. See you.
- Max? - Yes.
Listen, I'm, uh...
Look, I'm cooking Cantonese tonight. Why don't you join us?
Well, I already made other plans.
- Are you sure? - Thanks anyway.
Appreciate it.
What happens when Bonnie and Clyde turn out to be Bonnie and Bonnie?
"Lesbian Bandits, " next on Geraldo.
MAX: Oh, lesbians, yummy.
ARIEL: Wait. Stop.
Ah, would you...
JOHN: Well, yeah, but I like those.
[ARIEL SIGHS]
ARIEL: Can I do this?
No,no,no.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Gotta wait.
[ARIEL CHUCKLES]
Well, why don't we just put everything in there?
JOHN: Yeah, throw it all in there. ARIEL: What--?
[ARIEL LAUGHING]
I need to borrow a Phillips screwdriver.
Oh, hi, Jacob. You been here long? Ha, ha.
- No. - Phillips.
Don't you think it's time you started dating again?
Who With?
I happen to know Florence Gilbert, for example, thinks you're quite a catch.
She looks like Ernest Borgnine.
Is that such a bad thing? What about Jane Clark?
- Jane Clark. - Jane of the Jungle.
Got more body hair than I do.
She's a furbearing mammal, for God's sakes.
Doris Zabrinski, huh?
I know she's a little heavy, but she loves to fish.
- You get her on the boat-- - Doris Zabrinski is dead.
She is?
She choked to death on a stack of pancakes two weeks ago...
...at the Lions Club charity breakfast.
Wow.
I think it's how she would've wanted to go.
- Pop. - Yeah.
Listen to me.
You can't sit around waiting for another Ariel to walk into your life.
Thanks for the Phillips.
Jacob.
- What? - Remember when you were a kid...
...your mother baked that rhubarb pie for my birthday?
She swelled up like a balloon. Broke out in hives.
She didn't know she was allergic to rhubarb.
Oh, she knew.
She baked it anyway because she knew it was my favorite.
- What made you think of that, Pop? - I don't know.
I think about things like that all the time.
Hey, Pop.
Are you all right?
Will you get out of here and let me watch?
Close the door when you go because I don't
want those mosquitoes coming in here.
They're crazy about my macaroni-and-cheese dish.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WOMEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON TV]
MAX: Hello?
[SIGHS]
Anybody here?
[MAMA RAGETTI YELLS]
[MAMA RAGETTI SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Hey, wait a second. My name is Max Goldman.
I'm a friend, lady. Take it easy.
Look, relax. Would you relax?
MAX: Put it down. - Mama.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
MAX: Cut it out, lady. What's the matter--?
MARIA: Mama, what are you doing? - I'm gonna whack him.
- Put that down. - He try to steal the vino rosso.
You think everyone is trying to steal the vino.
- They are. - This is a small town.
You can trust people here. Ugh.
Like Antonio?
Next time he touch vino, I whack his head like a melon.
Holy moly.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Scusare, but my mother is a little bit too protective of the wine.
Yes, so I noticed.
[LAUGHS]
She crushed the grapes herself back in Palermo.
It's a rare vintage with a unique bouquet, heh.
Is that a nice way of saying that, uh, the wine smells like your mama's feet?
No. No.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
L-- I was, uh-- My name's Goldman. Max Goldman. I live in the area here.
Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti.
- Ah, that's quite a name. - Mm-hm.
- Ragetti. - Ragetti.
- You're Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin. - Yes. Why so surprised? Ha, ha.
Holy moly. Well, I thought...
I thought... Uh, I was expecting someone that looked like Rick.
- How's that? - You know, fat, hairy, homely.
But you're not so fat.
You're a smooth talker, Mr. Goldman.
Heh, there's more where that came from, Miss Ragetti.
[BOTH LAUGH]
When is the, uh, bait shop gonna be back in business?
- Uh, bait shop? - Yeah.
What is a bait shop?
Well, that's what we call it here in Minnesota.
What do you call it where you come from?
Oh, we call it, uh, I think, uh, ristorante.
Ristorante, mm-hm.
- Ristorante? - Mm-hm.
What, uh--? You mean you're gonna turn this into a restaurant?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
- No, you can't be serious. - Why not?
Well, there's gonna be a lot of noise here, people coming, driving with cars.
- You're gonna scare all the fish away. - This is the land of 10,000 lakes.
Go find another one.
No, you're wasting your time, Miss Ragetti.
I'm telling you.
No, people are not gonna come down here for Italian...
...when we got a Chuck E. Cheese right in town.
Listen, I don't know this Cheese person...
...but Ragetti's will be a romantic lakefront ristorante.
It will be special, classy...
...somewhere you would never go.
Oh, you can say that again.
Via, via, there's so much to do before the opening of my ristorante.
Bait shop.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[ITALIAN ACCENT] Bait shop.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
- You should've let me whack him. - Yeah.
[CHUCKLES]
I'm done.
Pop, I wish you'd try the low-fat bacon.
Well, you can wish in one hand, and crap in the other...
...and see which gets filled first.
JOHN: Yeah, well this wagon's gotta get filled first. I'll be back.
- Well, pick me up a pack of Camels. JOHN: All right, you got it.
[SNIFFS]
Uh-- Ooh.
GUSTAFSON: Hey, hey.
You need a hand with that, huh?
My name's Gustafson.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[LAUGHS]
Italian girl.
What do you say we go back to my place?
I'll show you my cannelloni.
Huh?
Ooh.
Hi, Chris.
CHRIS: Hi, how you doing? - Fine.
MAN [ON PA]: We need a cleanup in Aisle 5.
MAX: Aah! MARIA: Oh.
Ox.
Nag.
JOHN: Hey, moron. - Putz. Where you been?
I've been looking all over for you.
- Why? What's so important? - That.
[MAN GRUNTS]
- Jeez Louise, who is that? - That's Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin.
Uh, you mean she is gonna be running the bait shop?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
- Huh? - And you can forget...
...about leaving your boat down there. It's all private property.
Oh, God, Chuck would be spinning in his grave if he knew about this.
You can say that again.
I guess there's nothing much we can do about it now.
You're just gonna stand there and let all this happen?
JOHN: Well, what--? - I've been fishing that spot...
...ever since I'm 5 years old. It's all I got left.
I know, but what am I gonna do about it?
Well, we gotta come up with some plan.
We gotta find a way to put the kibosh on all this mess.
Well, uh--
[MAMA RAGETTI SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
It's okay, I'm a doctor.
Oh, it sounds like Dad's using his "free exam" trick again.
Well, you gotta stick with what works.
Hey, listen. Ask--
Ask Jacob if he can pull some strings with the city council, huh?
Find out what day this ristorante is supposed to have its health inspection.
I think I got an idea.
[MAMA RAGETTI SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
That's...
- That's good thinking. JOHN: Dad!
JOHN: Oh, Max is right. Our fishing spot's gonna be totally ruined.
They might as well drain the whole damn lake.
Stop moving.
Oh, you know the sign she put up, honey? "Parking for restaurant customers only."
Just a little while longer.
Maybe they'll have a grease fire in the kitchen.
- John. - Well, a guy can dream, can't he?
[SIGHS]
You gotta let this thing go, honey. Gotta let it go.
Chuck is gone, the bait shop is gone, things move on.
And I suggest you do the same.
Hmm.
And stop fidgeting.
Hmm. I don't know why the hell I ever let you talk me into doing this.
God, if Max could see me now, I'd never live it down.
Would you relax? We're the only ones here.
- There's nobody here except you and me. - Hmm.
[MAX SIGHS]
[MAX LAUGHING]
What a putz.
Will you look at that poor man?
[MAX LAUGHING]
GUSTAFSON: And then the mama bear said:
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed too."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And finally, the baby bear looked and he said:
[IN CHILD'S VOICE] "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed...
...and the bastard's still there."
[CHUCKLES]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic...
...with a scope and a hair trigger.
That's not the way it goes.
And that was the end...
[LAUGHS]
...of the three bears.
Sing me a lullaby.
Oh, it's too late.
Please?
All right.
[SINGING "DREAM A LITTLE DREAM OF ME"]
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
Good night, sweet pea.
Good night.
Happy dreams.
Okay, that leaves Uncle Willy sitting next to the plant lady.
I'm not sticking the plant lady next to your Uncle Willy.
- Why not? - Because he's a groper.
He'll be all over her.
He's not a groper. He's a touchy-feely person.
Well, he's not gonna be touchy-feelying the plant lady.
It's not like she's a close friend.
We don't know her name. "The plant lady." What is that?
Well, it doesn't mean she's not important to me.
- Fine. - Good.
Allie, honey, don't put the quarter in your mouth.
You're not my daddy.
JOHN: Hey, what do you got there, Pop?
GUSTAFSON: A bacon sandwich. - Bacon sandwich.
What do you say, kids? What are you doing?
Trying to finish the seating arrangement.
Oh, you don't have to. Max and I have come up with a plan.
Oh, no, Dad. You guys have done way too much already.
Hello, children.
- Hey, moron. - Putz.
You, uh, find the rat?
No, but Allie said we could borrow Sparky.
What if he gets away?
I made a leash.
- That's good thinking. - Yeah.
Hey, what do you guys want with Sparky?
Wait. I don't wanna know.
- Heh, it's men talk. - See you later, huh?
Allie, where's the quarter?
[GIGGLES]
MELANIE: Honey. Allie, honey.
- Did you swallow a quarter? - I'll call the doctor.
Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.
- Really? - Sure.
If she craps out two dimes and a nickel...
...then you can start worrying, huh?
MELANIE: Come here, honey. Say "Ah."
- Personally clean every little corner. - Uh-huh.
MARIA: Just look, heh.
- Like a mirror, heh. - Miss Ragetti.
Well, Miss Ragetti, everything appears to be up to our standards.
I'm very glad, ha, ha.
Of course, appearances can be deceiving.
No. We'll see. We'll see.
[SQUEAKING]
- What do you think? Now? - Unleash the beast.
You will be wearing your hairnet when you're cooking for the public?
[WHISPERS] Say yes.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
What did she say?
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Uh, she said, uh, "Yes, sir, of course."
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Well, everything seems to be in order.
- Act rabid. - Be rabid.
Good luck to you, you schmuck.
[INSPECTOR YELLS]
- What? - it's a rat!
- A rat? Here? INSPECTOR: Vermin infestation.
- I'm writing you up. MARIA: Wait, wait, wait.
It's, uh--
[MARIA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
It's not a rat, it's a--
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
It's a guinea pig.
- A guinea pig? - it's a guinea pig. Look.
[STAMMERING] What are the chances that a guinea pig would run through here...
...on an inspection day?
Hmm?
Well, lately, I must say that the chances are pretty good.
[BOTH MUMBLING]
- Ox. - Nag.
I don't think we've met.
- Oh. - I'm Maria Ragetti.
Uh, how do you--? Uh, John Gustafson.
Ah.
You like Italian, Mr. Gustafson?
Well, yeah, I guess so. Why?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[MAX & JOHN GROANING]
Arrivederci, boys.
Should we ask her for some garlic bread?
[SQUEAKING]
[GASPS]
[MARIA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[MARIA GASPS]
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[GRUNTS]
MARIA: How could I be so wrong?
MAMA RAGETTI: You have a gift.
Not one customer all day.
I mean, besides him.
Hey, more vino, sefiorita.
[EASY-LISTENING MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
- You go. - it's your turn.
Mm.
I put his bib on.
Bah.
Well...
What's the matter, beautiful?
You're meaner than a dog shitting tacks.
We put everything into this place.
- We could've retired in Hawaii. - I have been to Hawaii.
- Which island? - Come-on-I-want-to-lay-you.
[CHUCKLES]
I find you disgusting.
Well, just as long as you find me, dear.
[LAUGHS]
You want to join me, Miss Ragetti?
- Oh. GUSTAFSON: Huh?
What the hell.
GUSTAFSON: Thattagirl.
Yeah.
[JOHNNY CASH'S "RING OF FIRE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Ding-dong, the witch is dead.
- Here's to us, huh? - And to those like us.
Yeah, there's damn few of us left.
- Ha, ha. That's a damn good thing. JOHN: Hmm.
MAX: To Chuck.
May his bait shop never die.
["INAMORATA" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
Mama. Get dressed.
We go to town.
Mama?
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
[CHATTERING]
[WHISTLES]
MAN 1: Praise the Lord.
MAN 2: Ooh!
Holy moly.
Is this seat taken?
MAN s; on, boy. MARIA: Hmm?
Uh...
- No. JOHN: Beware.
The devil is a beautiful lady in a red dress.
[BARTENDER MUMBLING]
- Can I get you something, ma'am? - Oh, yes, please. It's so hot in here.
Maybe some, uh, ice water could cool me down.
- Uh, yes, ma'am. - C)of.
Max.
I've been thinking...
...it's such a shame that we got off on the wrong foot.
It's a shame.
MARIA: I'll bet if we give it another chance...
...we could, uh, become good friends.
- Friends? - Or maybe even more than friends.
MAX: Huh? - Hmm?
Go easy. Go easy, baby. You know:
[JOHN WHISTLING]
Ooh.
This feels so much better. So nice.
Ah, so cool.
It's so nice. Ah.
How do you feel?
Friendly. Friendly.
I wish I could feel like you do...
...but this silly feud of ours has got me so upset.
What silly feud of ours?
It's a tiny little ristorante.
You will never even know it's there.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
- Never! - You are a stubborn man.
Ragetti's will be a very great success. You shall see.
Not in my lifetime!
Bah...
You evil temptress!
Maria?
Maria Ragetti?
MARIA: How do you know who I am?
Well, you do sort of stand out in a town like this.
I don't usually dress like this.
What... You look very nice.
I look like, uh...
...a slut.
But a nice slut.
Uh, look, I want to introduce myself. My name is Ariel Gustafson.
And I want to tell you how very sorry I am...
...for what Max and John are putting you through.
You know how some people have trouble saying goodbye?
Believe me, it has nothing to do with you.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Why do you say such nice things? You don't even know me.
Mm, because I know what it's like to be the new kid in town.
[JOHN SIGHS]
JOHN: Ah.
Here comes another one.
ARIEL: Hello, boys. - Hey, honey, how was class?
MAX: Ariel.
Well, you two must be very happy with yourselves.
I just ran into Maria and she's in tears.
- She thinks that everybody hates her. - She's right.
John, I want you to go right to Ragetti's and apologize.
- Apologize? - For what?
- We were trying to explain to her. - She should've listened.
. I'll meet you at home, honey.
ARIEL: Mm...
I always knew you were on a short leash...
...but I didn't know you were on a choke collar.
Nobody's in charge in my house except me.
That's the way to talk, Gustafson.
I'm going home now and get this matter straightened out.
You're the man of the house, the king of the castle.
BARTENDER: Hey, Max, top her off? - Sure.
Long live the king!
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Bah.
- She threw me out. - Oh, no.
- Uh, come on, just for tonight. - Forget it.
- You won't even know I'm here. - That's because you won't be here.
- What? - I'm cold.
Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
[MAN SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ON TV]
JOHN: Ah.
Oh.
You got three TVs on. You're not looking at any of them.
[GARGLING]
What a pig-
Hey, that's my tuna on rye. I've been looking all over for that.
Where'd you find it?
Would you like a half? Huh?
This milk has chunks in it.
What's your point?
- What am I doing? - What?
Right next door, I've got a beautiful wife, my own bed...
...and a refrigerator full of food that hasn't passed its expiration date.
- So, what are you saying? - I'm going to apologize to Maria.
- You traitor. You Benedict Arnold. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heh, finally.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Didn't think he'd last this long.
[SNIFFS]
Smells all right.
And why all of a sudden this change of heart?
I had a guilty conscience.
Well, okay. Ariel kicked me out of the house.
I knew I liked your wife.
[CHUCKLES]
And what about Max?
Uh, Max? Oh, my God, forget it.
Max is much too hardheaded to ever say he's sorry.
- He's proud. - Of what?
I don't know. He has a strong character, and, uh, I admire that.
Now, wait a minute. You admire Max?
- Yeah. - You really are from out of town.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Be careful. The grappa is very strong.
You are speaking to a Gustafson. I can hold my liquor.
And this stuff too.
- How long have you been married? - Six months next week.
- How about you? - Oh, I'm divorced.
- Oh, I'm sorry. - Antonio was, uh...
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
- Jeez, that sounds bad. - It ain't good.
Oh, jeez.
Enough of that. I don't want to bore you.
[MUMBLES]
Mr. Gustafson?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Good night, Ariel.
Hey.
[CHUCKLES]
[MAX SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ON RECORDING]
[MAX SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[MAN SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ON RECORDING]
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[WOMAN SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ON RECORDING]
MAX: Yo, ho, there, ma.
[MAX SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[MAN SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ON RECORDING]
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[MAN SPEAKING IN ITALIAN ON RECORDING]
Pop.
[RECORDING STOPS PLAYING]
MAX: Hey, Jacob. How are you? - Thanks for the Phillips.
Listen, uh, Pop.
Uh, Melanie and I wanted to thank you and John-- I got it.
Uh, Melanie and I just wanted you and John to know...
...how much we appreciate the help you've given us planning the wedding.
No, there's need to thank me, Jacob.
Well, yes, but we actually--
Nothing would make us happier than to see you two tie the knot.
Thanks, but--
And it means a great deal to me to be a part of it. I mean it.
I'm proud of you, son.
Studying up on your Italian, are you?
Thinking of wooing Maria?
No, I'm just gonna curse at her in her own language, that's all.
- I think she's a lesbian anyway. - How would you know?
- You've never seen a lesbian. - Did too. Saw them on Geraldo.
Uh-huh. Say whatever you will. You got the hots for her.
Not in a million years. She's just a pig-headed Italian witch...
...with piss and vinegar running through her veins.
He's in love.
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
Ariel, buongiorno.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING IN GERMAN]
[BOTH LAUGH]
Where are you off to?
Sven said he spotted Catfish Hunter down at Indian Slough.
- Thought I'd go down and take a look. - Oh, yeah.
- Oh, where's Tweedledum? - Tweedledum?
Oh, John. John. Ha-ha-ha. Tweedledum.
- L-- I don't know. - You don't know?
He didn't spend the night here?
No. Last night he said he was going down to Ragetti's to apologize to Maria.
You mean to tell me he didn't come home?
[MOUTHING] No.
[JOHN MUMBLING]
[GASPS]
- He's alive. - Take these. You'll feel better.
JOHN: Oh, God. What happened?
You passed out. I didn't think you should drive home.
Oh, God, I feel like a polka band is playing in my head.
Hmm. You'll feel better after a hot shower. Come on. Mama.
[MAMA RAGETTI SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
JOHN: Yeah, but I don't really-- I don't need a hot shower.
What if he had an accident?
The only accident he's gonna have is when I see him.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all this.
You know, it must be nice living in Never Never Land.
Maybe I'll come and visit you sometime when I need a break from reality.
Step on it.
He's gonna explain everything...
...and I'll listen carefully, and then I'm gonna kill him.
I'm sure there's a logical explanation for all this, Ariel.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- All right, where is he? MARIA: What?
- We know he's in here. Where is he? - Yes, don't try to deny it.
- But wait, you don't understand.
ARIEL: Ah, I want to talk to him right now.
MARIA: But let me explain.
MAX: Gustafson! ARIEL: Get out here!
MAX: Gustafson! - What the hell? What?
MAX: What's going on here? - Nothing is going on here.
BOTH [IN UNISON]: Where's John?
JOHN: Wait a minute!
John.
What?
How could you?
What--? What, this? This isn't what it looks like.
- Gustafson, you're doing it again. - What the hell are you talking about?
First it was May. Then it was Ariel.
And now it's Maria.
Watch that damn thing. You said you hated Maria.
That's not the point!
And you're the one who said I should apologize to her.
Apologize, yes, not sleep with her. There is a difference, you know.
You think I had sex with your husband?
Well, you sure weren't having sex with me.
Why should I have sex with you? You just said you hated me.
He said I hated you. I never said I hated you.
Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
So now I'm supposed to have sex with you instead of him.
Aha. So you admit that you slept with my husband, huh? Huh?
Nobody slept with anybody last night.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
GUSTAFSON: Speak for yourself.
[HUMMING]
Mama.
Jeez.
I had a little too much to drink last night.
Sure. Blame it on the booze.
And you think that that's an acceptable excuse for what you did?
JOHN: Are you gonna let me finish? - No!
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
I know my Maria. She don't want nothing to do with that man.
- Oh, yeah? How do you know that? - Because!
She wants that man.
Me?
What do you want with me?
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
What is that supposed to mean?
I'd rather kiss a dead moose's butt.
So I'll call you?
LENA: Three tiers like this, yeah?
The lemon cake with the white frosting and the yellow flowers. You like?
- It's perfect, Lena. - Exactly what we wanted.
And now, for the big surprise.
- No, what surprise? - We don't want any surprises.
- John thought of this one all by himself.
JACOB: Oh, no.
The groom goes here.
And the bride...
...she goes on top like this.
And then this goes here.
And then on top of the cake, in the frosting...
...we spell out:
"Melanie has landed herself another husband."
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
This is not good.
MAX [SINGING]: Maria
I just met a girl named Maria
And suddenly I see
She's not the bitch
I thought she'd be
Maria
Oh, Maria, Maria, Maria
Maria
Shh.
- Ox. - Nag.
I didn't know you were a fisherman.
There are a lot of things you don't know about me.
[CHUCKLES]
Any luck?
Ooh. Holy moly.
[MARIA LAUGHING]
I showed you mine, now you show me yours.
Oh, I don't-- Oh, you mean the fish.
Uh...
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
It ain't the size that matters.
Are we still talking about your fish?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Very funny.
I, uh-- You know, Maria...
...I've lived here all my life.
Nobody knows about this place any more than I do. I know everything.
I could take you around sometime if you...
If you would like it.
- Are you asking me on a date? - Hell, no.
But if I were, and I'm not, mind you, what would you say?
Well, if I were to accept, and I'm not saying I would--
- Yeah, because I haven't asked you. - Mm-hm.
- -I would say, um...
What would you say?
Hmm...
- Maybe. - Maybe?
- What kind of an answer is maybe? - Ha, ha, maybe's maybe.
Then, uh, maybe I'll stop by at 7:00 tonight.
Maybe I'll cook something nice for you in the kitchen.
I'll see you then.
Maybe.
Ciao.
Whatever that means.
MARIA: What do you think, Mama?
[BOTH SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Don't you think it would make me look fat?
You should be so picky. He's got the face of a mackerel.
Antonio had the face of an angel and look where it got me.
How many times do you have to get your heart broken, eh?
Max is different, Mama. He makes me laugh.
I don't like this. Not one bit.
But it's just a date. I'm not marrying him.
- Not yet. - "Not yet." Mama, eh.
Are you sure you like the white better?
[BOTH SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
Definitely the blue.
MAX: Oh, boy.
- Ha, ha, I'm a little nervous. - Oh, come on.
- You just be yourself. You'll be fine. - Yeah.
Oh, why don't you pick up a bottle of wine on the way, huh?
- She'll appreciate the gesture. - Check.
And don't forget, now, compliment her on how great she looks.
- Okay. Already got that covered. - Let me hear it.
Maria.
There may be lots of fish in the sea...
...but you're the only one I would like to mount over my fireplace.
That's not bad.
- You notice the sexual innuendo? - I did.
Subliminal messages.
It's how you get people to do what you want without them knowing it.
- Yeah, where'd you learn that? - Geraldo.
Oh, boy.
Hey. Very nice.
Yeah, I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop. Had all the seats refinished.
It's authentic imitation leather.
[ENGINE REVS]
Well, go get them, tiger. You got nothing to worry about.
He's doomed.
There are many fish in the sea, Maria...
...but you're the only one I want to mount over my fireplace.
You're the only one...
But you're...
Ciao.
Holy moly.
- Good evening, Maria. - Good evening.
- You look nice. - Thank you.
[CHUCKLES]
I, uh...
I just wanna say...
Um, what I'm trying to say is...
Uh, there are many women...
...floating in the river... - Mm-hm.
...but you're the only one I wanna stuff...
...and stick over...
...on my wall over the fireplace.
Thank you so much.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you like to come in?
- Please.
I didn't say it right.
MARIA: I've never seen wine that comes from a box before.
MAX: It's pretty fancy, huh? - Yeah.
MAX: Look, it's even got its own tap. - Ooh.
Look at this. Here. You got it?
[MARIA SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[BOTH LAUGH]
- It's real wine. - That's great.
Yes.
So how do you like the old place?
It's changed.
- Is that, uh, good or bad? - it's the worst.
I hate change.
- Why? - Things never change for the better.
Well, change brought me here to Wabasha.
Are you saying you wish I hadn't come?
MAX: Hmm, hmm...
Is that a trick question?
[THUNDER BOOMING]
- Oh, you see? You see? - Ooh...
- Now the weather has changed. - So much for dining alfresco.
MARIA: Ooh, ha, ha.
MAX: Holy moly.
[MARIA LAUGHING]
MAX: Whew, boy.
- Ha. - I am all wet.
MAX: Wow, heh. - Ha,ha.
- It's really coming down now. - Yeah.
You know, the night crawlers'll be out soon.
What's a night crawler?
[CHUCKLES]
- What are you, a communist? - Hmm, no, ha, ha.
- Night crawler's the king of all worms. - Ah.
They come out at night, after the rain, to lay out across the grass.
- Breathe the night air. - Ah.
This restaurant is sitting on top of one of the biggest and best worm beds...
...in all of Wabasha County. - Ah.
You can imagine my excitement.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Honey, would you stop worrying. Max is gonna be just fine.
Yeah, I hope so.
I may have given him some bad advice earlier. I don't know.
Oh, yeah? What'd you say?
I told him, uh...
[STAMMERING] Well, I told him to just be himself.
You said what?
MAX: Don't shine the light right on them.
They feel the heat, they zip into their holes.
- So I should, uh... Like this? - Yeah.
- Yeah. Up, down. Yeah. - Okay. Okay.
MAX: Do you know, Maria-- - Yeah.
- -That worms have both male and female sexual organs?
- No, I didn't know that. - Well, it's true.
Oh, you know a lot about worms, Max.
- No, heh, I don't know that much. - Oh, you do. You do.
Every once in a while I pick up a tip, you know?
Yes, that's it. That's good.
MARIA: There's one.
- There. - Shh...
MAX [WHISPERING]: Quietly now.
MARIA [WHISPERING]: What should I do? - Tiptoe over and--
MARIA: Will you come with me?
MAX: Yes. And then suddenly, reach down and grab him.
- Okay. - When you get near him, grab him.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Whoa, oh!
[MARIA GRUNTS]
[LAUGHING]
MAX: Maria. You all right, Maria? - [IN NORMAL VOICE] Yes, ha, ha.
You scared every worm away for a radius of 5 miles.
I'm sorry.
[LAUGHING]
Uh, what?
You have a very beautiful smile.
MARIA: Hmm.
Maria?
Yes, Max.
Would it be all right if I kissed you?
Yes.
I haven't been with a man for a long time.
- Me neither. - Be gentle.
[MAX MOANS]
Mama Mia.
Holy moly.
[BOTH MOANING]
Good morning, Mr. Gustafson.
- I don't believe it. - Mm-hm.
You and that beautiful lady?
I am the thief of hearts. I am the gangster of love.
Gangster, huh? Yeah, well, tell me, was it more of a holdup than a stickup?
- Never mind that. - Ooh, ha, ha.
Even your infantile penis jokes seem charming and witty this morning, sir.
Okay, Lothario, we gotta get to the Oktoberfest to meet the kids.
[SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
Yeah.
I think I liked you better before you were getting any.
[CHILDREN GIGGLING]
[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]
[CROWD LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
JACOB: Hi, dear. MELANIE: Hi, Dad.
JOHN: Hi, Jacob. JACOB: Hi.
- Hey, what's going on? - Well, we got a surprise for you.
Oh, no more surprises.
- Attention! JOHN: No, you'll like this.
[MUSIC STOPS]
In just eight days...
...these two happy kids will be husband and wife!
CROWD: Yeah!
My dear friends, Max and John...
...have asked me, Handsome Hans...
...to be their music man.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Let's celebrate the young lovers' nuptials with the Chicken Polka!
[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]
WOMAN: Do you Chicken there, Goldman? Come on, you're gonna love this.
- You know the Chicken? Great. JACOB: Yeah.
I'm in the twilight zone.
Another one of your father's great ideas.
Your father booked our reception hall.
I think Handsome Hans would fit in perfectly at Slippery's bar.
It's a tavern.
This is a mistake.
You're right. We'll get a DJ. This is crazy.
No, that's not what I meant.
Melanie, I know that I wanna get married,
but if you're not sure, you gotta tell me.
I'm just not sure. Jacob.
Tell me this now?
- We're a week away from the wedding. - Jacob, I love you.
- You just don't want to marry me. - No, that's not it.
I just think we should take our time.
I've been taking my time. How does waiting since the second grade grab you?
BOTH [IN UNISON]: Would you stop it!
[MUSIC STOPS]
It's like you are already married. Yeah?
[ALL LAUGHING]
Polka!
[BAND PLAYING POLKA MUSIC]
Honey.
Jacob. Jacob, I know what I'm talking about.
Really? If you're such an expert,
How come you're the one that's been divorced?
Mel.
JOHN: Honey?
- The Wedding's off. JOHN: What do you mean?
- What do you mean it's off? - We've already paid for everything.
Honey? Uh, what-- What happened?
What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
- Your daughter got cold feet. - Oh, cold feet, my ass.
- Your son insulted her. - He didn't say nothing that wasn't true.
- Maybe she can't handle the truth. - Really?
She can't? What is the truth, Max?
The truth is that her first marriage was a flop.
That was Mike's fault and you know that.
Well, what makes you think she can keep Jacob happy?
That's a lousy thing--
My daughter wouldn't marry your son if he was the last man in Wabasha.
That's fine with me. I was against the whole thing from the start.
- Well, that goes double for me. - Then it's off.
Yes, it's off. Everything is off.
The wedding is off and the friendship is off.
And the gloves are off.
Let the games begin.
MAX: Come on, baby. Come to Papa.
Yes. Yes, thattaboy.
That's it.
[SHOUTS]
Gustafson.
[MOTOR REVVING]
What the hell is...? Come back. Come back here. Come back.
Come back!
Oh, damn you, Goldman.
What a putz.
KATE: Hi, how are you? JOHN: Hello, Kate. How are you?
KATE: I'm okay. Here's your card. - Good.
KATE: That's it for you? - Yup, that'll do it.
KATE: You have a nice day, Mr. Gustafson.
JOHN: Thanks very much.
Same to you. Bye.
[ALL LAUGHING]
What?
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
Max!
Where the--?
You bastard.
[HUMMING]
["'S WONDERFUL" BY GEORGE GERSHWIN PLAYING ON RECORDING]
[HUMMING]
[LAUGHING]
[MAX SCATTING]
You dance very well.
Thank you.
Maria, I got this for you. Hope you don't mind.
Oh, Max. Max.
It's a cubic zirconia.
- Got it from the Home Shopping Network. - it's so beautiful.
Here. Let me help.
See how it looks. You just put that like that.
You don't like it, huh?
No, no, it's beautiful. It's just, um...
Just what?
I don't know, heh.
Things are moving so fast.
What's wrong with fast? I like fast.
I didn't plan on meeting somebody like you when I came to Wabasha.
- Oh, but you're-- You're happy, huh? - Yes, but that is what worries me.
- Well, what do you mean? - I don't know what I'm talking about.
It's beautiful.
- Like you. - Thank you, Max.
Okay, Slick, sharpen those claws.
[SLICK MEOWS]
[SCATTING]
What the--? Get out of there.
[SIGHS]
Holy moly.
You just kissed your ninth life goodbye, Slick.
WOMAN: This one is very sweet.
That one with the big tongue and the brown eyes is great.
- Hmm, what about this one? - This one?
Yes. One eye.
- No nuts. - Oh, you mean Lucky, ha, ha.
You don't want him, Mr. Goldman.
I'll take him. Here, Lucky.
[DOG BARKS THEN GROWLS]
[LAUGHS]
He's cute.
[MEOWS]
Ah...
Good morning, Slick.
What a nice kitty cat. Yes, you are.
And I see you've crapped on my newspaper again. Hmm.
Would you like to make a new friend this morning? Hmm?
Lucky, kill Slick!
[GROWLS]
[MEOWS]
[LUCKY BARKS & SLICK CATERWAULS]
RAUGHS]
[LUCKY GROWLS]
[SLICK MEOWS]
[LUCKY BARKS]
JOHN: Whoa! Who the--?
[SLICK MEOWS]
John!
JOHN: Come here, baby. - No!
[SLICK MEOWS]
[GASPS]
Whoa!
[SLICK MEOWS]
[LUCKY BARKING]
Everything's under control.
Slick!
- How do you like that, you putz? - Why you dirty...
- I'll kill you. - You ruined my refinished seats.
You broadcast my naked ass to half of Wabasha.
- Big deal. Take that, you vandal. - You damn near killed my cat!
MAX: That mangy animal's been crapping on my paper for years!
JOHN: What do you call that butt ugly--?
Give me that pole.
That pole, huh?
[GRUNTS]
That's it.
If my dog was as ugly as you...
...I'd shave his ass...
...and teach him to walk backwards. - Oh, very--
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
Ariel.
That trick doesn't work with me.
Max, for God's sake, time out. Where are you going?
Home. And you can call me when this stupid war is over.
She left me.
Are you surprised?
MAN [ON TV]: There we are.
So good.
Now, you wanna put in just a pinch of salt.
MAX: Just a pinch.
- There. - Oh, damn it.
- But not too much. - Yeah, now you tell me.
You don't wanna overpower the sauce. Not too salty.
- Oh, shut up. - There we are. Add some garnish here.
- It's time to look at the birds. - The bird.
Go right now.
Aah! Fire!
- Fire! Jacob, I got a fire here. - Hey.
MAN [ON TV]: Absolutely perfect. Anybody can make these.
JACOB: You got it. MAN: Simple. Just flawless.
What are you doing here?
I'm trying to cook a gourmet dinner for Maria.
JACOB: Uh-huh.
MAX: Look at it. - She'll be impressed.
[BOTH LAUGH]
- Tell her it's Cajun. - Yes.
JACOB: And, uh, what do you call this?
Haven't decided yet, but I'm leaning toward Mystery Stew.
Ha, ha, is that right?
I don't mean to be a pessimist, but you need a backup.
Is there anything else you know how to make?
- Jelly sandwiches. - Get cracking.
I used to love jelly sandwiches with peanut butter in them.
- You did too when you were a kid. - Yeah.
[JACOB SIGHS]
Hey. Hey, come on. Go over there and tell her you're sorry. Go ahead.
JACOB: No, I tried to. She won't even talk to me. Not that I blame her.
[SIGHS]
MAMA RAGETTI: You spend too much time with this Max Goldman.
MARIA: I like him, Mama. A lot.
He will break your heart, like the others.
No, this time is different.
You said Fernando was different, and look what happened.
I was a girl, Mama.
MAMA RAGETTI: And then there was Eduardo, the drunk.
That was a long time ago.
Marcello, the womanizer, was not that long ago.
- I'm not listening to this. - And next came Carlo, the con man.
- Are you finished? - I wish I were.
But then I would be forgetting Antonio.
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
All five I warn you against...
...and all five you marry.
- Mama. - You are a good girl, Maria...
...but you are cursed in love.
- That isn't true. - For once, Maria, listen to your mama.
Do you care for him?
[SIGHS]
Yes.
Then leave him be.
[NAT KING COLE'S "ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE" PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]
[MAX SINGING "ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE"]
[RINGING]
[LINE RINGING]
[PHONE RINGING]
JOHN: Hey,Pop.
Well, I've really done it this time. I've really screwed it up.
Jake and Melanie have called off the marriage.
Jake's moved in with Max, Max and I are at it again, and on top of that...
...Ariel's moved back into her house with Melanie.
Now, what am I gonna do about all of that?
Huh?
Pop?
[SOBBING] Looks like God remembered you, Pop.
I'm sorry.
JOHN: Hey, moron.
MAX: Hello, putz.
Mind if I join you?
JOHN: No, help yourself.
[SIGHS]
I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
[CHUCKLES]
He was always very fond of you, Max.
- He was a good man. - The best.
You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie the other day.
Yeah, and you know how I really feel aboutJacob.
- He's a good boy. - Yeah.
I just don't want him to be lonely.
- He deserves better. - He deserves Melanie.
So, what do you wanna do now?
- Wanna get drunk? - Yeah.
ALLIE: Come on, Grandpa John, hurry up.
JOHN: Yeah, I'm coming, Allie. I'm coming.
But you already got enough candy in this bag...
...to give the whole neighborhood cavities.
WOMAN 1 [ON TV 1]: What are you going to do to ensure six months from now...
you feel happier and more loved than you do today?
Because you know what?
The truth is, if you don't do something...
...nothing in your life is gonna change. MAN 1 [ON TV 1]: Spread the seeds.
Keep it watered and watch it grow.
WOMAN 2 [ON TV 1]: Have you ever seen anything more amazing?
WOMAN 3 [ON TV 1]: Stop the insanity.
MAN 2 [ON TV 2]: From the most beautiful place in the world...
...comes the most exotic tanning product in the world.
Hawaiian Tropic.
Natural oils, tropical fruits...
...flora, nuts and protective sunscreens.
A complete sun-care line created by one man, Ron Rice...
...for one reason.
WOMAN 4 [ON TV 2]: White is for laundry. - Unh, unh...
- What are you feeding this dog? - Hormel chili.
Yeesh.
He likes it.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
CHILDREN: Trick or treat.
MAX: Oh, yes, trick or treat. I forgot.
Just plain forgot.
Hi. Hi, kids. Here's a coaster.
And there's a stapler for you.
Open your bag. That's it. Good shot.
Happy Halloween.
- Hi, Uncle Max. MAX: Who's that? Allie?
- Hello, Allie, ha, ha. JACOB: ls Allie here? Oh, look at you.
Let me hear a polar bear growl.
[ALLIE CLEARS THROAT]
[ROARS]
[CHUCKLING]
Happy Halloween there, putzo.
How'd you know it was me?
You wear the same costume every Christmas or whatever this--
[ALLIE LAUGHING]
- Halloween. JACOB: Hey, Allie.
- Hey, you. How's your morn doing? - Okay. Want to come over?
Yeah, how about that? You wanna go over and just say hi?
ALLIE: Yeah.
She'd probably throw me out the moment she saw my face.
Now, Max, I think I got an idea. Hmm?
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- Trick or treat. MELANIE: Hey, you. Oh...
How did we do tonight?
Uncle Max gave me a can opener and a bunch of laundry detergent.
He did?
Yes, he did.
Allie?
I'm going to bed, Mom.
Don't you want to stay up and watch the scary movie?
I said, I'm going to bed.
[MELANIE CHUCKLES]
What has gotten into her?
[SIGHS]
You look great, Mel.
You look ridiculous.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Needed to see you again, Mel...
...to tell you how sorry I was for the way I acted.
I just thought I couldn't be happy unless we were married...
...and I realize now...
...I just want you in my life.
That's all I want.
If we ever do get married...
...I promise you...
...we'll use a professional wedding coordinator.
[LAUGHING]
- You look terrific. - Jacob.
Jacob.
- They're watching us. - No, they're not.
MELANIE: Uh-huh? - No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Let's celebrate. Beers are on me.
Oh, I'd love to, Max, but I've got someone
very special waiting for me over there.
Of course, if you had half a brain, you could have the same thing.
She dumped me.
Max, would you park that stupid pride of yours just once?
You might surprise yourself.
[KNOCKING]
I gotta speak to Maria.
- Oh, put down that bat. - She don't wanna see you.
Well, I ain't leaving here until I see Maria!
Oh, at last, I get to whack him.
Mama. Mama, please. Please, Mama.
Maria, we need to talk.
There's nothing to talk about.
Well, at least give me an explanation. I think I deserve that much.
Yes, you're right.
- I have to tell you something. - Yes.
I have been married before.
To Antonio, I know.
[SOBBING] But also to Fernando.
And Carlo.
And Eduardo.
And Marcello.
Holy moly.
You've been married five times.
So now you understand?
- Mother is right. - Whew...
I'm cursed in love.
MAX: Wait. Wait.
Will you wait, please?
I don't know what happened with those other guys...
...but let me tell you something about me.
I know I'm no great prize, but I'm loyal...
...I'm honest...
...and I know how to treat a lady.
Anybody says any different doesn't know her ass from her elbow.
Look, I got a week's worth of leftovers at the house...
...so if you care to join me for some
Mystery Stew and some jelly sandwiches...
...I would be indeed honored.
[CHUCKLES]
That sounds wonderful.
MAX: Hmm...
- You must really like jelly sandwiches. - Yes.
JOHN: Trés magnifique, Max.
Thank you, Mr. Gustafson.
Honey, we're running a little behind. We'll meet you at church, okay?
Don't be late.
Hey, John. Isn't that Sven over there?
Sven?
MAX: Hey, Sven.
JOHN: Sven? MAX: Hey, Sven.
You look like you've seen a ghost.
Biggest fish I ever seen.
BOTH [IN UNISON]: Catfish Hunter, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh!
I fought the beast for an hour...
...and I had him.
Right up into the boat.
And then...
...he smiled.
- Smiled? - See?
- And then he bit the pole in half. - Holy moly.
I, uh-- I moved my hand at the last moment.
Judas Priest.
Oh, that... That was the...
...biggest damn fish that...
...I everseen.
Don't even think of it.
My boat is beached not more than a hundred yards from here.
- No. - We'll just give it 10 minutes.
After that, we pull anchor, we go straight to the church.
No.
What if today is the day, and we miss him?
Somebody else could catch our fish, some
stranger with our fish mounted on his wall.
It's too horrible to think about.
[CHURCH BELL RINGING]
[MURMURING]
MAN: Congratulations, Jacob.
- Max, let's get the hell out of here. - What do you mean?
We've still got more time.
That damn fish'll be halfway to Redwing by now. Come on, let's go.
- Five more minutes. - We'll be late.
Weddings never start on time.
What's the matter with you? What are you worried about?
- I'm going. - All right, you'll have to swim back.
Wait a minute. Where are you going? Don't touch my motor.
Will you get--? Sit down, John, for crying out loud.
Five more minutes. Just sit there for a minute and shut up.
- Moron. - Putz.
Holy Jesus. Max.
Look, look, look.
[FISHING LINE SQUEAKING]
Easy, 68$)'-
- Easy, easy. JOHN: Don't worry.
Look at him go. Look at him go.
And now he's gonna stop.
[GROANS]
And now, I'm gonna...
[JOHN GRUNTS]
That's Catfish Hunter. It's got to be.
[FISHING LINE WHIRRING]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
MAX: I think you pissed him off.
JOHN: Hang on, Max, I think we're going for a ride.
[RINGING]
MAX: There.
Hang on.
JOHN: I can't believe it's a fish.
Maybe it's not a fish.
Maybe it's something from outer space.
- Keep the tip up. JOHN: The tip is up.
MAX: Tighten the drag.
He better be dead.
That's the only excuse I'm taking right now.
MAX: Work him. Work him. JOHN: I'm working him, you dummy.
MAX: Pump him, pump him. Tip up. Tip up.
JOHN: The tip is up, you idiot.
You're right, it's not an important day. No. No reason to be here.
Hang on.
- Drop the anchor, Max. - You out the anchor, you putz.
Well, then grab the net.
You cut the net, too, you dickhead. Here, look at it.
All right, forget the net. Just give me a hand, will you?
Only thing you ever caught in your life was a virus.
Put your gloves on, will you?
I'll show you how to do it. Here's the way you do it.
Here, now, watch a fisherman work it, man.
Grab him.
- Grab him! - Crime in Italy.
Holy moly. My God. Look at this thing.
Holy moly.
- Okay, get his tail. - I got his tail.
Now.
[GRUNTS]
[JOHN SIGHS]
[PLAYING ORGAN]
[CROWD MURMURING]
Is that the most beautiful thing you've ever seen in your life?
If I die today...
...I die a happy man.
You die today, I'm taking your motor.
[LAUGHS]
- Max? - Yeah?
Let's let him go.
Are you out of your mind?
Dad tried to catch that fish for 20 years.
Catfish Hunter deserves to be in the lake with Pop.
Gustafson, you are one sick bastard.
Good boy.
Goodbye, Catfish.
- Huh? - What? Wait.
- Hey, the wedding. What time is it? - Aah...
We've got another wedding coming in at 3:00.
We'll make it by then, 3:00.
[SINGING] Get me to the church on time
Don't sing that.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[CAR HORNS HONKING]
Move it!
Ouch! What are you doing?
Okay, just a little bit longer.
- Look, Jacob. That's it for me. - Please.
- I'm done. I've played now. - You can't leave.
- How long have I played? - [HUMMING "BRIDAL CHORUS"]
No, you gotta do the beginning. Just keep playing.
- A little more. - All right. I'll play one more time.
[TIRES SQUEALING]
MAN: Hey! - Wedding!
[GRUNTS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON ORGAN]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
MAX: We're here. JOHN: Wait. Wait.
MAX: Wait. Hold it. JOHN: We're here.
MAX: We're here.
- Wait. We're here. - We're here. Wait.
What's with the boots?
- I'll explain later. - Explain now.
Where have you been?
I've been holding this thing up for hours.
- See what we missed? - Thank God we eloped.
[CHUCKLES]
["BRIDAL CHORUS" PLAYING ON ORGAN]
You got the ring?
Yeah.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
My son-in-law has got the face of a mackerel.
Ox.
Nag.
REVEREND: We are gathered here today to join Maxwell Goldman...
...and Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti in holy matrimony.
[CROWD CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Thank you. Thank you.
Be sure to watch Lucky for us. I'm gonna miss that ugly mug of his.
Don't worry, Max, you're gonna see him before you know it.
- I'm gonna miss your ugly mug too. - God bless you, sir.
Let go of my hand, will you? I'm very busy.
LENA: Yoo-hoo!
[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]
[SOBS]
MAX: Holy-- Mm...
Max.
- What's that smell? - What smell?
What's that smell?
[MAX & MARIA SHOUTING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
What a moron.
[MAX & MARIA LAUGHING]
What do you say we go back to my place...
...and I'll show you my spicy, peppy pepperoni?
What do you say we go back to my house...
...and I'll show you my man-sized manicotti?
Beautiful.
I am the gangster of love.
- I am the Lothario of hearts. - Ha,ha.
- I don't know where I am. ALL: Ha-ha-ha.
JOHN: Get in the car, Max.
I can't. I farted and I'm afraid to move.
[STAMMERING]
Ha, ha, what the hell is her name?
MAX: Ariel. - Ariel.
What's her name again?
JOHN: Maria. - Maria.
She left me.
You're surprised? You don't even know her name.
Hey, dickhead.
I'm stuck.
[CREW LAUGHING]
- You know, I've been to Hawaii. - Which island?
I-kind-of-like-to-poke-you.
You-like-a-l icky-d icky.
I'm-a-kind-of-kinky.
Want-a-peek-a-pee-pee?
Some stranger could catch our fish.
Some schmuck with his fish...
...and my fish and your fish up on the ******* wall, and...
It's too horrible to think about, ha-ha-ha.
Get another actor. Please.
She's nothing but a pig-headed Italian with...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
MAN: Go one more from the top, and a bit more out of breath.
If I was more out of breath, I'd be dead.
- You're still a putz. - That's my line.
You will never even know it's there.
MAX: Okay.
I love you. Mm... Mm...
[MARIA SHRIEKS]
He's a criminal.
[CREW LAUGHING]
[MARIA GIGGLES]
Should the veil be up?
[CROWD LAUGHS]
MAX: Holy--
- Ox. - Jesus Christ.
Why the **** don't you look where you're going there?
MARIA: Aye, aye, aye...
Why don't you come to my place? I'll show you my beefy bologna. Hmm?
No? How would you like my bony macaroni?
Or my fatty Alfredo?
Or my hard salami? I got them all.
[CREW LAUGHING]
[ENGLISH SDH]